He was still mostly asleep, so maybe it wasn't entirely fair of me to strike up that particular line of questioning, but I was curious. He told me that he'd had *that* conversation the previous week, and it really didn't go anywhere. This is all hearsay, coming from RMB who really doesn't want me upset with him about MIL anymore, but hopefully there's some truth in it.
Apparently MIL told RMB that she wants to start speaking to me again. That's she's "willing to put the past in the past, and not bring it back up". And that in the future, "she'll just talk to [me] about safe subjects, like [my] children, or books". RMB then said to her that I still need time (which isn't accurate - I need change of behavior on her part), and that based on her past and recent behavior, she hasn't shown him that she actually is willing to leave the past in the past and move forward.
At this point she made a point of telling him that "CTT needs to understand that there is a hierarchy in this world, and I rank higher than she does. We are not equals, and she can't treat me that way." It's not the first time she's said this. Actually, the first time I heard those exact words were four years ago, then I've heard them two or three time since. She really and truly believes that I rank lower on the totem pole of life than she does.
To give her a little credit, maybe what she means and how she's saying it aren't entirely in line with each other. What I *think* she means (and this is me giving her the benefit of the doubt here) is that she wants my respect because she is RMB's mother; because she raised him from a single cell to adulthood, I need to give her credit and respect for knowing a thing or two about life. And I do. I respect that fact that she is his mother, and that he is who he is because of who she is.
But the whole "We're not equals" thing? I just can't wrap my head around that. If that's truly what she believes, then we're never going to be able to have a relationship. And I think that's the crux of it all. She really believes that because she's older, she's better. That what she thinks, wants, and needs is and always will be more valid than what I think, want or need. If she and I were married, this would be one of those reasons for divorce: it's an irreconcilable difference. Even if we just stick to the "neutral" topics, they'll never really be neutral. Three of our five big blow ups have been regarding my children, and the decisions that I made for my children that didn't match up with the decisions she wanted me to make for them. So they're not neutral, not by any means.
I guess they closed their conversation with her saying that she still hopes to see us have our son baptised soon. And my response to that is the same is it's been: I don't believe in it, but if it's important enough to RMB he'll take the steps necessary to get the ball rolling. He'll make the appointment for him and I to meet with a priest, where I can air my concerns and make sure that during the baptism I'm not participating, though I'll obviously be present. And RMB and I will pick the godparents of our choosing, not ones that we've been bullied into (or guilted into, in RMB's case). The way I see it, if it's important enough to RMB, he'll do this and not depend on his mommy to do it for him. If he doesn't do anything to have our son baptised (including even attending church more than once every three or four months), then it's obviously not a priority for him. And that's not on my shoulders; it's on his.
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On an unrelated note, the ILs just sold their home and have moved into FIL's mother's apartment while they look for another. They're still looking to buy a $half-million home on the east coast, in an area that just last summer MIL told me "she doesn't even like". The part that baffles me most about this is that in the past 5 years, all RMB and I have heard is complaints about how we live so far away and are keeping her from her grandchildren. And now that they have another one on the way (BIL and SIL), living 20 minutes away, they up and move over an hour away. I was talking to my mom about it this week and she said she thinks it's because MIL may think that if they move somewhere they know is appealing as a vacation destination for her sons, that they'll want to visit and stay with them often.
But I think it's going to blow up this summer. MIL has never listened to me when I've told her that babies under 6 months of age can't wear sunscreen, but my SIL knows this fact. And I just can't see my SIL packing up the contents of her house, plus her 2 dogs, to go spend every weekend at IL's new beach house to just sit inside with her newborn. Especially since, if they want to go to a beach, BIL's best friend's FIL owns prime beachfront property half an hour away. I think that ILs are going to find that they've isolated themselves even further from family; first it was emotionally, and now geographically.
It makes me so happy that we're literally on the other side of the world from them. Maybe it's just me - because I know if I were in SIL's situation that's the reaction I'd have - but I can't see this working out exactly the way MIL has in mind. Especially considering that SIL just lost the job she and BIL needed in order to make ends meet, and they've got a baby due in 10 weeks, and they're probably not going to want to spend the gas money to do that much traveling, even if she wanted to. I'm glad that we're removed from the situation, because it could get messy.
1 comments:
"CTT needs to understand that there is a hierarchy in this world, and I rank higher than she does. We are not equals, and she can't treat me that way."
Sounds like she has some serious entitlement issues.
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